Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Notify your doctor is you experience any of the following...

Those warnings at the end of pharmaceutical commercials always crack me up... I love the ones for Propecia where they say, "Pregnant women or women who could become pregnant should not TOUCH Propecia." Should not even TOUCH it! Or the new ones for the drugs that make it easier for men with growing prostates to pee more or less often, "Some men using Flowmax have reported side effects such as swelling of the breasts" Really? Would you rather have to explain to your buddies why you have to piss for the 4th time in an hour or explain why you have tits? Those disclaimers always make me think of the SNL Happy Fun Ball sketch:

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball" is my favorite!

There have been a few side effects from becoming a home owner that I didn't expect. I now actually dog ear pages in and sometimes hang on to catalogs from the likes of Frontgate & West Elm & Pottery Barn, whereas a year ago they'd be in the trash the day they arrived. I now pay attention to the "housing numbers" when they are reported on the news. Still don't really know what the heck the "housing numbers" are, but when Ali Velshi starts talking about the "real estate market" or "mortgage rates" my ears prick up. I also find my self starting a lot of sentences with "That would look good in my (insert room here)" while out shopping. Oh and I am completely obsessed with flat screen TV's now. I used to just want one, now I crave, no, NEED a wall mounted flat screen TV. It's a feeling similar to the one you get after someone you love calls it off. That kind of lonely ache that settles in right below the chest but above the stomach for weeks... that is the feeling I get when I see any flat screen larger than 42 inches. I want to call it and find out what went wrong and tell it how much I love it, how good we could be together. I know that right now though, it's just not meant to be, and it kills me. That is how bad I want a flat screen TV.

The biggest side effect though has got to be my level of neatness. I am a slob. Like a REAL slob. Dirty clothes on the floor (in any room of the house) for days. Coffee spills mopped up with my socked foot. Bags of salad in the fridge from 3 months ago. Dishes, dusting, mopping, and anything that involved comet or any other abrasive scrubbing agent... those things do not get done in my house. My bathroom... a horror show. When I lived with roommates or my ex I was a little better, but not much (and it's been years since I shared living quarters with anyone). But now... something has changed. A switch has been flipped. I find myself in the kitchen using clorox disinfecting wipes on counters that already appear clean. I keep a bottle of glass cleaner AND paper towels in the bathroom JUST to keep the surfaces in there clean and I have ANOTHER bottle of glass cleaner under the sink in the kitchen! I own a broom and dustpan that both get used several times a week. I've discovered special wipes just for keeping stainless steel appliances fingerprint free. Last night I found myself googleing "Cleaning Glass Shower Doors" because I've noticed that water stains are starting to cloud the lower 3 inches of my shower door and my bathroom glass cleaner is not doing the job. I have even made my bed nearly every day since I moved in! The only thing on my Xmas wish list is a ROOMBA. I actually ASKED to go into (instead of having to be dragged) The Container Store over the weekend. It's a little creepy to be honest. It's still a struggle, I mean, I didn't suddenly start generating grey matter infused with the cleaning gene... I have to make time and make the effort to clean, but I'm much more willing to do it now. Coming home to a clean space is great, not worrying about an unexpected guest is great too but despite my newfound willingness to do so cleaning is still not something I enjoy.

I guess it's better than swelling of the breasts.

Next time: Big Condo Owner vs. Little Condo Gym

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